Been a while since I wrote any fiction. Just a random piece whose beginning popped into my head and demanded to be written just as I was about to fall asleep.
Conflicted characters are fun.
"Look, I'm not really the best person to have a relationship with. I can be selfish as fuck, I break my promises more often than not, and I suck at making compromises." I played with the fork I'd been using to eat, but kept my eyes on my date as I spoke. "You'd probably be happier if we kept this as just sex, to be honest."
"I know. But I'm willing to give it a shot."
I sighed. "Don't give up easily, do you." They never did, or they wouldn't have had the courage to ask in the first place. Suddenly feeling reluctant to keep looking at him in the eyes, I glanced around me, studying the other customers of the Indian restaurant we were eating in.
"Give up my only chance of ending up together with you? Not in a million years."
I couldn't help smiling. It was a little corny and cliché, but that just made it cute. Darin was cute - which was the reason I'd been having sex with him.
"Well", I said slowly. "I do like you."
Which was kinda the problem. If I hadn't liked him, I could have just told him no. I did want to be in a real relationship one day, and there was no reason why it couldn't have been with Darin. He was interested, and willing to try despite the risks, and I liked him - so I wanted to try, too.
But since I liked him, I didn't want him to get hurt, either.
So I continued. "Still, like I said, I'm difficult. If we have a real relationship, it's often going to be ugly. So to start off, I'm going to explain to you all the ways by which I'm a selfish asshole who's going to hurt you, and you can then decide whether or not you really want this."
He nodded, and the eagerness in that nod told me everything I needed to know. We'd finish our meal, go somewhere more private, and I'd explain in detail all my faults. I'd tell him not to make a decision now, but rather think about it for a couple of days and then decide. He'd say okay, and then we'd need something else to do for the rest of the evening, so we'd move on to the fucking.
And then he'd be a good boy and go think about it for a couple of days like I told him to, and then he'd say that he understood the risks, and I'd look at him and see that he didn't. And then I'd know that I should tell him no, but I wouldn't. He'd be so disappointed if I turned him down after all, and it could work out and it would be wonderful if it did, and to be honest, if it'd let me find Mr. Right I'd go ahead and break Darin's heart many times over. For I really did want a happy relationship, and because I was selfish enough of an asshole to try it if there was the slightest chance of it working out.
I sighed, again, and picked at my rice. "Alright, then. We'll talk about it at my place."
This was going to be such a train wreck.